1 year, 5 months and 25 days. 510 days in total or 12,240 hours. The time since I quit dating in the midst of the first Christmas lock down. I’d been dating an old flame, on and off. It was never going any where and quite frankly, that suited me. However, I did expect a degree of respect and honesty and after we’d spent a long and lustful night exploring why we are both serial singletons, I thought we’d reached an understanding where we would be ‘exclusive’ but without demands. I thought I’d found my male equivalent, a busy professional, who was happy in his own skin and with his own company, yet happy to be accompanied out at weekends and the occasional evenings and be there if an ear was needed.
Sadly, after opening up to me and probably being more honest than he’d been with anyone for years, he ghosted me. Now, I need to be honest here, it took me a while to realise I was being ghosted. As you’re probably beginning to understand, I’m not a needy person, so if a couple of texts don’t get answered, I don’t take it personally. But after the third one, I thought I’d wait for him to respond, but he didn’t. That was the catalyst for me thinking it wasn’t worth the hassle. I think I’m a very straight forward person and say what I mean and mean what I say. I thought we’d reached an understanding, but he’d obviously got cold feet (or the whole thing had been a con). I prefer to think the latter as he’d always had a problem with opening up and talking about feelings.
I spent the rest of January and February checking out various dating apps and deciding whether or not to give it a go. I’ve never really been a fan of them and despite still being on eHarmony because I foolishly hadn’t cancelled the ‘auto subscribe’, I wasn’t addicted to them.
Life then got really busy, and I didn’t really miss dating. I’m very happy on my own and think this is something more single people need to get better at (and for that matter, so do some couples). As spring arrived and lockdown measures began to ease, my social life picked up somewhat and as my birthday arrived, I realised that it had been 5 months since my last date. I then decided to see how long I could go without dating, a sort of mini challenge to myself, although the EH app was still running, and I’d occasionally get enquiries through, but nothing exciting to entice me to respond!
The longer my dating drought went on, the less I thought about it. I was only really reminded when friends would ask. I found I wasn’t anxiously checking my phone to see if one of the dating apps had a message for me. I began to make mid to long term plans for myself rather than waiting in case a ‘better offer’ came along. I settled into focussing my life on myself, my friends and family. My career is important to me, and work is a great distraction. I have been guilty of spending too much time and energy on work, to the detriment of previous relationships, and sometimes to the detriment of my own health, but I also know I have the power to change that.
As spring gave way to summer, I came alive like I do every year. I swear my previous self was born in a warm country, I’m like a lizard, when the sun comes out, I’m bursting with energy. I contact friends and organise things to do. I fill my diary with things I want to do on my own or with others. I’m not waiting to see if ‘someone’ phones or messages me to ask me out. I’m in charge and it felt good.
It was then I decided to consciously not date and it was like a relief. I felt as though a weight had been lifted from my shoulders. I felt free. I felt like I was in control. I didn’t tell anyone, but as weeks turned into months, I felt happy and a little bit smug. Smug because I wasn’t at anyone’s mercy (from a dating pov).
Now’s probably a good time to tell you that I have a secret habit, I love people watching. People watching is one of life’s great pleasures and can be done literally anywhere and it’s free. I watch couples be in love; couples fight; couples ignore each other at dinner whilst on their mobile phones; old couples walk hand in hand; young couples get to grips with dating. I smile when I see couples being loved up, it genuinely makes me happy. Sometimes I feel wistful but that doesn’t last long and I’m happy with my conscious state of calm where I realise I don’t need a man, that I am enough. I might sometimes want a man, but not at the risk of unsettling my zen self.
As one of the famous episodes in Sex and the City reminds us all, your light (dating light) has to be on to attract the right mate who happens to have their dating light on too. I guess my dating light has run out of batteries, but if I see the right shop, I might just invest in a packet of new ones!
However, it will happen serendipitously, not by frantic searching and a compelled need to fit it. I am enough. And I strongly recommend that anyone out there who has also had enough of chasing the mythical dating unicorn, switch off your light. Recognise that life doesn’t stop because you are single. The single life can be tremendously freeing and when you are settled, happy and calm, you might just be in a better place for the unicorn to come knocking but if it doesn’t, no worries, single is the new currency which is going up in value.
Has anyone else out there consciously decided not to date?
Julia – AKA Just me.