Hello again after what seems like an eternity. It really does feel like ages since I’ve had the time and headspace to sit down and write about what’s in my head and my heart. And the reason for that? The life choice I made way back in 1992 when I decided to move ‘down south’ far away from loved ones and my social circle.
Back in the day, I was 27 and full of the usual hope and optimism of a soon-to-be bride. I was also confident that by the time I got to my 60s I would be settled, surrounded by a family of my own and living the life of luxury in retirement. Oh my word, how wrong I was! My marriage was short-lived, the family of my own never happened, I’m still working harder than ever as an employee and start-up founder of Jetty Socials, so life is as hectic as ever!
I’m also still regularly making trips ‘back up north’ to visit look after my parents. I had established a routine whereby both they and I were happy. Nightly phone calls to check in that they are well, weekly zoom calls to ‘see’ each other, ad hoc online shopping for them and a dedicated weekend at least once a month to take them out, do odd jobs and just spend quality time with them. As the years rolled on and their health began to diminish, this became a bigger pull on my conscience. However, I somehow managed to square it off in my mind that, because they had always encouraged my career and were always very proud of my achievements, the distance wasn’t a real problem, just a consequence of my life choice which both parties respected.
However, this came crashing down when – yet again – mum had a serious fall in January due to a stroke and was hospitalised for nearly 2 weeks. Whenever one or the other has needed me, usually because of emergency medical treatment, I’ve always dropped my life ‘down here’ and bolted up to look after them and support my brother for however long I was needed, no questions asked. However, this time, it felt different and the consequence of my life choice 32 years ago weighed heavy on my soul. Like many women, when I’m in the midst of managing a crisis, I take control, I’m like Margaret Thatcher on speed – I get sh*t done 😊. As one of life’s bossy britches, people turn to me for help and I like to help, it gives me purpose, so it’s only when things begin to calm down, that I begin to consider myself and the impact events have on me.
I guess one of the upsides of Covid (perhaps the only upside) is that I can now work remotely although the office mandate is 3 days in the office and 2 days WFH but, under extreme circumstances, exceptions can be made. So once mum was settled into hospital and dad had stabilised at home, I was at least able to keep a modicum of normality around the inevitable routine hospital visiting and looking after a blind parent ie dad, can accommodate.
After mum was discharged I spent every Friday evening dashing the 160 miles up to visit them and take care of them for the weekend and give my brother and sister-in-law a much needed break (they live in the same village). I would then return home every Sunday evening to try and pick up the vestiges of my life and ensure that no ducks in my multiple rows were missing.
It was exhausting, physically but also mentally, as there was never any time for me to kick back and relax. Had I thought about this scenario when I gaily moved away back in 1992? Hmmmmmmmm, sort of, but knew I had to live my own life and, with a bit of luck, thought I’d be surrounded by my own support system by the time I was 60. Don’t get me wrong, I definitely have a fabulous network of very supportive friends in my home town of Windsor and those who’ve joined the JC circus along the way from around the country and even the world, but had I ever really thought I’d still be single at 60? Then no, it had never entered my consciousness. Despite the many upsides of being single, again there are also some consequences to consider, not least, who would be around to look after me if I got ill, or what would happen if I had a family emergency and needed support?
But I digress. The impact of that optimistic decision to move away is only just coming home to roost, therefore leaving me very much alone and without a loved one’s support when I would give almost anything to be hugged and made to feel safe and supported. But life is all about compromise and it is not all doom and gloom. My friends have been amazing and mum is recovering well but the sad fact of stroke victims in their mid 80’s is that they will never be the same again, and life will continue to change. I am therefore left once more pondering about the impact of my life choice of moving so far away from the parental home and its consequences.
I’m lucky to have options. Being single, I’m very flexible in what my next move could be, although I’m still in a job I love and that has to be part of the consideration. Should I move up to support them on the ground, or simply stay put but abandon my personal life to support what is sure to be their final years for however long or short that maybe? Or can I find a happy midway? I know I’m not the only mid-life singleton to be struggling with this scenario and, if I had my life again, would I have changed that decision to move away? Hell no, at least I’m still in the same country and not in Australia! My life has been a blast and I’m not done yet.
However, I can’t pretend that these latest set of circumstances don’t bother me because they do. I feel as though I’m failing on all fronts:
- As a daughter
- As a sister
- As an employee
- As a leader of a huge team
- As a friend
- As a Rotarian not really doing my bit for this amazing charity
- As the founder of Jetty Socials
So, what’s the answer? At the moment, I’m going to try and continue to find a mid-way. I’m staying put in my own home and visiting them regularly (currently up to two-weekly) whilst their health is relatively stable. I’m pulling back from unrealistic expectations laid on me and from being an over ‘giver’. I’m investing back into my own health and have restarted with yoga classes and a personal trainer. Training helps me physically but also mentally and is a strategic imperative for my own sanity. It also encourages me to eat healthily and take the right supplements (thanks @ellemacpherson your Welleco supplements are amazing)! I’m also going to continue to find joy in Jetty Socials and taking time to smell the roses and, finally, I’m going to think long and hard about what my next life choice will be and its consequences.
I’d love to hear back from anyone whose faced a similar situation and your top tips for getting through with your sanity intact. In the meantime, please continue to be kind to yourself and face into 2024 with positivity and the joy of knowing you are enough.
I’d love to hear from you, so please drop me a message below, or email me at [email protected].
With love
Julia, AKA Just Me.