I must admit, I’m an avid audio book (and podcast) listener and I find it a hugely efficient way to listen, learn and use my time wisely. I don’t know why, but opening a physical book usually makes me feel very sleepy which is counter-productive most of the time. My library mainly consists of modern literature, a bit of chick lit, business books, autobiographies and biographies, plus a few self-help books in there too for good measure. Dad and I share an audiobook library and he sometimes recommends books I wouldn’t ever have thought of which widens my horizons, although I draw the line at his History of Britain Volumes 1,2 and 3!
It was whilst listening to K L Slater’s book Single where one of her characters complained that her ‘stoic determination to remain single is an irresistible enigma to challenge. Mere acquaintances tend to ask the most impertinent questions’, that I stopped in my tracks and thought hell yeah!
So whilst I don’t have a stoic determination to remain single, just a stoic determination to bloody well enjoy the ride, I completely agree that the single status seems to invite the most personal of questions, sometimes from virtual strangers or distant work colleagues, though usually done without forethought and I’m sure said without intended malice.
It got me thinking to some of the inappropriate questions I’ve had to field over the years and here are my top 3 (or should that be my bottom 3!)
- The most impertinent and hurtful is being asked why I’m not a mother, or from people suggesting I’m lucky because I don’t have kids. I’ve sometimes wanted to hit them with truth and ask how they would feel if,at the age of just 25, they’d had their uterus and ovaries removed because of a disabling disease, and had to endure years of further surgery, drug treatments involving hormones and steroids which were still very new to the market. Thoughtless comments like theirs can often bring back painful memories and re-open old wounds
- At number two, the questions regarding why don’t I adopt or foster and then the look of distain when they found out it wasn’t on my agenda (particularly when I was younger). Not everyone is able to be a parent or, for that matter, wants to be a parent and that’s absolutely fine – or at least it should be. Making these decisions is often tough enough without everyone else having an opinion about it.
- At number three, it comes to the workplace. Being single is hard enough without being judged at every turn. I remember asking for a raise from my CEO (a man) who refused; when I challenged that decision, he stated that I earned enough ‘afterall, you’re single without kids, so you don’t need any more money’! To say I was speechless was an understatement and it still rankles to this day that my single status was used against me. I’m also cross with myself that I didn’t rise up and rage against his impertinence, but I was stunned into silence. I do, however, believe in karma so trust he will get his just desserts and I sincerely hope that he gets them sooner rather than later!
The single status also invites a lot of ill-thought-out advice from people who’ve been married or with a partner for longer than they were ever single. A lot of it is well-meant and I’m sure we’ve all heard the advice to recently singled friends ‘not to worry, there are plenty more fish in the sea’. Cringe, cringe, cringe. Once I passed the dating meridian of 40, I found it increasingly difficult to find the right man which is why I’ve mainly been single for the last 20 years.
Unlike K L Slater’s character, I don’t have a stoic determination not to be loved up and part of a couple, but I don’t view it as the be-all and end-all of leading a very happy and fulfilled life. I’d much rather be single and happy than in an unhappy relationship just because society finds that easier to deal with. However, it doesn’t stop people telling me ‘there must be a man out there for you somewhere’ or that ‘I’m too picky’ or ‘it’s a waste’ -what of, I’m not quite sure. But it seems that being single, confident and not too shabby in the looks departments is a status anyone is allowed to question, well-meaning or otherwise.
Some of the questions do make me laugh though. Now, I have to admit, I do love my brother, but we are like chalk and cheese in just about every way possible other than the fact that we are both tall and dark haired (well he was before he lost his!) He’s always been there for me even though I live 150 miles away and I for him; we are in regular contact and share a lot of banter on social media. It was a few years after splitting up from Pilot Steve (all my exes have nicknames) and my brother was enquiring very solicitously about how the dating game was going. I explained that I’d given up as the online dating world was a nightmare (watch out for a future blog about that) and he started umming and ahhing, so I said ‘out with it’. After a few more stumbles, he asked if I’d turned gay, at which I nearly choked. Just because I wasn’t dating didn’t mean I’d suddenly turned gay, but Mr Happily Married Living in Suburbia couldn’t fathom why anyone would choose to be single and that there must be a deeper reason for it. If this question hadn’t come from my brother, who I absolutely know had my best interests at heart, I would have been livid, but it did go to show that even family aren’t immune from asking impertinent questions too.
For the record, I’m not gay, I like men, preferably tall, reasonably fit, humorous and intelligent, but who knows what may happen in this gender-fluid world we now inhabit. If I do decide to have a same sex relationship, I will shout about it from the rooftops with pride, probably to loud applause from my LGBTQ+ friends
Perhaps I just need to grow a thicker skin, but perhaps society ought to start thinking twice before asking deeply personal questions, well-meant or otherwise…
If your single status also proves to be an irresistible challenge to your friends and family, please do share those questions and your reactions to them and perhaps between us we can write a ‘Questions not to be asked of the single persons guide’ for those that can’t resist being impertinent.
With Love
Julia, AKA Just Me.