Hello again
I must admit to having a little chuckle at my own ridiculousness this week after celebrating a micro win on my journey to living my best single life! It involves a black bin and an empty, smelly prawn packet and an understanding that if I didn’t sort the problem out, no one would…
Long story short, I made supper one night in a bit of a hurry (obviously involving prawns), thought I’d disposed of the rubbish correctly, then buzzed off on holiday. However I obviously hadn’t washed the prawn packet sufficiently , meaning the packet lay stinking in the dustbin in the hot weather for the best part of 2 weeks (I hope you aren’t eating at this point). Even after the lovely bin men of Windsor did their job and emptied the bin the following week, it was still somewhat stinky so I contemplated how to deal with it. It may seem obvious to you, but quite frankly I’ve never had to clean a dustbin before and whilst I understand there are bin cleaners out there, I don’t have one on speed-dial. I will admit that, at this point, I wished there was a Mr Collis around as we always used to have ‘blue jobs and pink jobs’, and this was definitely a blue job! Apologies to all feminists out there but there are limits!
The only solution was to set about it with my longest pair of rubber gloves, a hosepipe and copious amounts of bleach. The end result? A lovely clean, fresh-smelling bin and an overinflated sense of achievement for yours truly. I can’t tell you how inordinately pleased I was with myself having achieved yet another domestic first, but particularly as I had dealt with it myself without resorting to hired help. Now don’t get me wrong, I know this isn’t earth-shattering in itself but anyone knows me knows that I’m not a down and dirty kind of gal! Some of you may be wondering what all the fuss is about as you are already kings and queens of your own bin maintenance but, for me, it was a minor win. It is a reminder that the little humps and bumps on life’s road can be overcome with determination, a positive mindset and the belief that we single people are awesome in our own right!
It also got me to thinking how empowering the single life can be and how important it is to celebrate minor achievements, even on difficult days, and show that I too can win at life. If I’m feeling a little bit low, or just out of sorts, I will challenge myself to do something to change my state of mind. It might be as simple as saying hello to a stranger; going out early at sunrise to get some exercise; making a proper meal; touching base with a friend or allowing myself 24 hours of indulgence to get over it. Being single means that only I can change my state of mind and when I do something positive, I deserve the recognition and virtual pat on the back. I know it’s silly but, even telling you about my bin maintenance now, still makes me smile and remember my victory over the bin!
Eleanor Roosevelt said, ‘do one thing every day that scares you’ and I must admit that I love this ethos and started doing it when I was just separated from Mr Collis. My examples range from the simple everyday life challenges like going to the cinema alone, to turning the mattress on my double bed alone without breaking something, to buying a single carrot in the supermarket (anyone else buy packets of stuff because they felt too self-conscious to buy one thing or is it just me?! ) Some more extreme examples include going on holiday by myself (totally alone and not on a singles holiday) to drilling in a rawlplug to hang a very heavy picture at the top of the stairs without dropping it, drilling through the electrics or injuring myself – although I must admit to phoning my brother, who talked me through drill management via video phone! Whatever you challenge yourself with, remember to celebrate the outcome, no matter how small it may seem; I promise you, it’s a great feeling to recognise your own achievements.
I urge all newly single people who are struggling without a partner to try it for a month and record the outcomes. It can be as simple as saying hello to a stranger every day or booking your first solo venture to the theatre; if you are a tiny bit scared and you achieve your goal, the feel good factor and sense of confidence will be exponential.
However, I do know that sometimes you have to reach out for help because either the problem is just too big or it needs professional advice. Being alone doesn’t mean you have to suffer in silence and deal with everything by yourself and, whilst the reaching out can be the most difficult bit, it does become easier with practice. Bit by bit you will build up your power network consisting of good friends and experts in a variety of fields whether it’s the local tailors, a mentor or an official life coach.
I was first introduced to the concept of the power network at a particularly low point in my life and have found it a vital survival tool so want to share it with you. A power network probably already exists around you, but you don’t call it this. In short, the power network was first brought to my attention by my life coach who was interviewing Stephan Van Niekerk aka @the_diary_of_a_limbless_dad). After being horrifically injured and losing both of his legs in an IUD attack in Afghanistan, Stephan went on a very lonely journey, feeling isolated and alone although he was, and is still, married. To help him navigate the difficult state of mind he was stuck in, he created his own network of individuals whom he could lean on for support. This included his wife, his physio, his psychologist, etc; he would ask them to be part of his power network and give him their permission to involve them when he needed to reach out for support, no matter how minor. He not only got strength from their help and guidance, but from the very act of reaching out and altering his state.
Whilst I am absolutely not comparing my journey to his, I have borrowed this process and recoined it the ‘Singles Survival Network’. I have found it super helpful in coping with life as a single person in a world where I’m surrounded by couples who have little memory or concept of what it’s like to be single and, at times, lonely in today’s cyber-focused and youth-obsessed world.
My network consists of a personal trainer, a couple of business mentors and a series of friends – old and new – who I know I can reach out to for advice, support, a rant, a friendly ear or just a robust ‘Julia stop being an arse’ moment. I try not to include my family as part of my official SSN because I’m lucky to have them in my life anyway, but you may wish to appoint them in yours.
As with all great things, practice makes perfect and I don’t just reach out to my SSN when I’m in need, I seek to share joyous moments too (a small reward for putting up with me!) This might be as inane as snapping a particularly happy photo of my local cows that make me smile and is something I think they might also like; to reporting a simple achievement (usually more impressive than my bin maintenance); or more likely something joyous that’s happened in my life and want to share. Balancing the good with the bad serves as a reminder to them – and to me – that I’m human too and that I’m not only surviving; I’m thriving.
What have your simple single life achievements been lately? And how did you celebrate them? Drop me a line and share the winning at life moments – I bet they are more impressive than some of mine!
With love
Julia, AKA Just Me.